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Mmmmkay, somehow it's been like 4 months since I blogged. Weird! I guess not so weird when you consider that I don't have time anymore. That, coupled with my attempt to not drag everyone through my divorce drama, means that even when I have time, I don't have much to say that I can actually say, capish?
But now it is time for an update. If you're with me on Facebook you know a lot of this, but if not - K A B L O W I E - there's a lot going on!
Um, where to begin? Easy stuff I guess. I'm loving teaching Kindergarten!! I like so many things about working at Challenger, but I have a stupendous co-teacher, and a plethora (jes, Jefe, a plethora) of amazing co-workers, who keep my head above water (and give great hugs and advice when I come in befuddled by life) and I really enjoy the age group and everything. It's stressful of course, but I really do enjoy doing it. Especially this coming week - 3 days of school!! WOOT!!
Right at this precise moment in time, the kids and I are all healthy. Four of us are on antibiotics for strep, but we feel fine now. When I was in for strep last weekend (about the 8th time this year I think) the doctor told me I am a good candidate for a tonsillectomy. So, I need to go see the ENT guy then schedule that. I'm hoping to do it over Christmas break when I have two weeks off work.
So here's a cool thing - the kids and I are moving! This house is foreclosing - unless it sells first - so what I wanted has become a necessity. Moving is a pain, but I'm looking forward to a fresh start. I've been looking for a rental for the past 2 months or so, but it's hard finding room for 6 people in my price range. Of the ones I've called on, I either haven't heard back, or I've heard, "You have how many kids? Ummmm....yah, that's too many." I don't blame them - 5 kids is a lot to trust to a rental property. On the other hand.....I need a place to live, people!!
What I've been doing is looking on KSL, printing out a batch of houses that look promising, then driving by them before I call. I went out on Tuesday night while the kids were with Randy and saw a few that looked good. I called on one - got the kid issue. Called on another and left a message. Called on one and spoke to the man who is now my future landlord, Fred. When I mentioned the five kids, he said, "That doesn't bother me, we raised 10 in this house!" *angel chorus* That was definitely a hopeful sign. Anyway, we talked for a bit and set up an appointment to see the house today. The kids and I went to see it and we all loved it. It's the best by far and he's the nicest little old guy and it's a done deal.
It's 2100 square feet, which is more than I imagined possible in my price range. 3 bedrooms, two of which are HUGE and have an adjoining bathroom, plus another 1/2 bath down the hall; formal living room and a humongous great room with a gas log stove thingie and a laundry room. The kitchen has been updated, solid surface counter tops and an awesome pantry PLUS (ready the angel chorus) a dishwasher!!! *angel chorus* For a woman who has been without a dishwasher for almost 6 years, this is a wonderful thing. There's no dining room, but the dining area in the kitchen is plenty big enough for our big table. They have almost an acre and the kids are free to roam it at will AND - Olivia nearly jumped out of her skin at this - their neighbors have horses sometimes. The neighbors on both sides and behind have fields and cows and/or horses. The front and back yards are fenced....what else? Oh......the price is right!! AND the kids can stay at the same school.
Can I just tell you, in praying for a new place to live, what did I pray for? That we would have enough room. That the kids could stay at the same school. And that the Lord would lead us to a great ward (for all of you fine non-LDS folks, ward is just the goofy Mormon term for our congregation). Fred said, "this ward will be all over you like white on rice," meaning (I....hope) they'll be supportive and helpful. And my next-door neighbor here has a friend in that ward and agreed, she said it's a great one.
So, anyway - yay, house! We'll be moving in mid-December (which suddenly seems so near) so looks like my two weeks off work will be a) tonsillectomy and b) unpacking. Oh well! I'll be thankful for the time.
Okay, now the bummer stuff. Randy is suing me for custody of the kids. So, I've had to retain a lawyer and we're headed into some ugly stuff and completely unnecessary upset fr my poor kids. He has no case, but that doesn't mean I won't be fighting to beat this and keep the kids with me. To put it honestly but succinctly - I divorced this man for a reason, and that reason means that he shouldn't be a full-time parent and I don't intend to let go of the kids. Nuff said. One good thing that will come out of it is that we can finally decide on a set visitation schedule, which was left vague during the divorce and that has caused some problems. So, there's a silver lining I suppose. But I hope my kids won't have to be in the middle of any of this garbage. They've already been put through a lot, just with the divorce itself - which was hard enough despite being necessary - and have been through a lot since then. I'll be glad when this is over and we can settle down in our new house and not think about it anymore.
So, here's the next few weeks, lawsuit aside: Thanksgiving, Felix's birthday, moving, Christmas. ACK!! Add work, school, lawsuit, packing, moving....um, let's not add anything else. Oh, tonsillectomy. Bah! No more! I can't handle ANY MORE!!!
Okay.
I'm fine.
Really.
:)
Today, for the first time in over 10 years, I left big chunks of ground beef in my spaghetti sauce. I like big chunks of hamburger in my spaghetti. I lived with someone who did not. Between his insistence that smaller chunks were better (I got several lessons on how to do it right) and my belief that my preferences were not as important, I never even considered making it the way I liked it. Tonight I made it the way I wanted it for one reason - because that's how I like it. Yes, it's spaghetti sauce. To me, it's also a big step forward. Probably the majority of you are going, "Okay, Heather, that's stupid." But some of you know what the spaghetti sauce story is about. It's a good story.
The kids are in bed. Mommy time has begun. I'm going to paint my toenails, and maybe my fingernails, hot pink. I'm going to finally take off my work clothes. I'm going to waste time on Facebook. I might read. I should do lesson plans. I absolutely will not eat any more caramel corn. *wide eyed innocence* Whaaaat? I'm not....
Summer school is going.....along. I ADORE my co-teacher Mr. Porter, he's the awesomest ever. SO good, I'm learning so much from him. Whether I end in up doing preschool or elementary next year, I'll be a much better teacher because of this time I've been able to work with him. We've recently had to re-structure the way we do our class and we're both majorly stressed about it, but we have fun together anyway. Because it's a mixed elementary class, there's a wide range of ages and abilities in our class and it's practically impossible to get everything done the way we want to have it done. There are itty bitties who have finished Kindergarten in public school, then we have our Challenger Kindergartners who (she said with pardonable pride) are far ahead of them. Then we have 1st graders, 2nd graders, a 3rd grader and a 5th grader.
So, I was going to go through and detail the day but I realized I don't wanna. But all in all I like my job, and I love my co-workers. Only 2 & 1/2 more weeks of summer school, the 2 weeks teacher training, then school starts full time again. I'm getting spoiled working part time. I take naps! Not every day, but at least once a week. Usually it's an accidental nap. I've been up since 5:30, worked, came home, did fill-in-the-blank (laundry, dishes, yard work, whatever) then my sleepy time hits around 3 in the afternoon and I sit down for a minute on the couch...2 hours later the house caves in on me and some kid says, "I didn't do it!"
Dating stinks.
I love my kids.
It's late. Bye homies.
A year ago today I asked my husband to move out. A year ago tomorrow, he left. A year ago the next day, we told the kids that we were separated.
It's been a weird year. At this time last year I was calm and certain. Some people thought I was cold and unfeeling about the ending of my marriage, especially since Randy was suffering so much. I understand it's impossible to see clearly from the outside. But I wasn't unfeeling - I had already done my suffering. For years and years. I had cried myself out already. And I was calm and certain.
Of course I wasn't happy. Of course it wasn't where I wanted to be. I didn't get married to end up divorced, I had my dreams of eternity like everyone else. But I was at the end of what I was able to give; more importantly, I was at the end of what I felt my Heavenly Father expected me to give. That's what I was waiting for. I waited, I tried, I gave more chances than I thought I had in me. And then I was done.
A year ago today I took a huge, frightening, daunting step to secure the future health and well-being of myself and my kids. And despite loneliness and anxiety and everything else that comes with being a single mom, I still know I made the right decision.
Weird year.
So, I took this class awhile ago and recently got all of my homework back. There was a worksheet called a "Self-Discovery Safari," which title made me laugh then and makes me laugh now. I mean, the worksheet itself was good, but this was a class for adult women and I think a preschool teacher must have been in charge of naming the worksheet. A self-discovery safari? Seriously? Of course, I did just post a note on FB about an allegorical bear hunt, it is really that different? lol
Anyway, one of the activities was called a "bio-poem," "bio" in this case being short for "biographical," not "biological," which was my first thought. I thought, "heck, I can do that! It won't be fit for mixed company, but I can do it!" Turns out it was an exercise in "self-discovery" using a free form-type poem created by following a specific format (is that really free-form?). Here's the format:
Line 1 - Your first name only
Line 2 - Four traits that describe you
Line 3 - Sibling of... (or son/daughter, mother/father, whatever)
Line 4 - Lover of... (3 people, ideas, things, etc that you love)
Line 5 - Who feels... (3 items, usually emotions)
Line 6 - Who needs...(3 items)
Line 7 - Who gives...(3 itmes)
Line 8 - Who fears...(3 items)
Line 9 - Who would like to see....(3 items)
Line 10 - Resident of....(where you live)
Line 11 - Your last name only
So that's the format. Here's what I wrote - this was a few months ago, probably in February.
Heather
Smart, witty, patient, loving;
Mother of Olivia, Bastian, Joshua, Felix and Zackary;
Lover of chocolate, books and God;
Who feels overwhelmed, strong and tired;
Who needs friends, companionship and a new roof;
Who gives hugs, support and sarcasm;
Who fears lonliness, betrayal and sad kids;
Who would like to see the beach in California, the mountains in Wales and my kids whole and happy;
California girl living in Layton, UT;
McKay
A few things have changed since then. I got to see the beach in CA again over spring break, and I don't fear lonliness anymore. In reality, what I feared was my reaction to lonliness, but I don't fear either now.
Bastian is waiting for his turn so I'll give a quick update and then shove off. We're all healthy - here's hoping that lasts! We're all out of school, and I have this week off before I'm back to work for summer school. I'll be working part time, teaching elementary reading and grammar. Last I heard, and unless enrollment has changed, I'll have two 2nd graders and one 5th grader - I'll be working with one of the Kindergarten teachers, Mr. Porter -he'll teach the Kindergarten reading, then we'll switch for math, and we'll do music/dance/public speaking as a group every day. There were about 15 Kindergarteners enrolled, last I heard. Felix will come to summer school with me, I have other plans for the rest.
Felix and Joshua both got excellent grades at Challenger - for those of you who don't FB, Joshua got 2 awards at the end of year merit assembly. One for being 3rd in his class math competition, and one for scoring 99% on the IOWA tests - these are the standardized tests that all students take at the end of the year. Olivia and Bastian's grades this year were really affected by the divorce (and all of the mind games their dad has been playing since then [yes, I said it]) - but I think (and hope and pray) that they'll both do much better next year. I don't care much about grades - I just want to know my kids have done their best, and considering everything they've been dealing with this year, I'm sure they did. They learned some good stuff, and they're both such awesome readers they can learn any thing at any time, so I'm certainly not worried about that!
Not much else to report family-wise, I guess. Personally, I'm making more girlfriends, (mostly at work) and it is great to feel support from so many people - guess I didn't realize how much I was missing it down through the years. And, while FB has its down sides, reuniting with old friends has built my support base even more, and that has been a great strength.
Then of course there's all the stuff I can't blog about....ah, well.
So, there's some stuff from my mental rag-bag, with a little update thrown in. Ta-daaaaa!
I have such a hard time typing on a regular keyboard now! Sad, I know. My phone even has a qwerty board but it's still different.
It's been awhile since I updated so I thought I'd better but I haven't much time because I need to start dinner. I'm going to make chicken and corn chowder because it's been rainy today. Yesterday was sunny and warm but every day this week before yesterday has been rainy. I don't mind it too much. I'm ready for sunshine, but rain is a million times better than snow.
Yesterday was a very productive day :) I have so little time these days that my back lawn was up to my knees. That is not hyperbole, it was quite literally up to my knees in places. I couldn't mow it! I borrowed my neighbor Mark's weed whacker and spent a few hours knocking the grass down to ankle-height. Then I mowed it in both directions. This makes it sounds faster than it actually was, what with Mark having to run to the store for more cord for the weed whacker, my lawn mower needing gas which necessitated a run to the gas station, then my mower dying and me fiddling with it before finishing with Mark's mower. If it wasn't for my wonderful neighbors I'd still have knee-high grass! And since I spent so long in the back yard, I never got my front mowed, but my other awesome neighbor Rick did that for me! I'm so blessed.
So that took all dang day yesterday, but it was so very nice to accomplish it! Oh, and the kids and I finally cleaned out last year's garden. My tomato cages and stuff were still out there, and tons of sad white vines everywhere. I got sunburned on my arms, neck, chest and face. And my feet have a flip flop tan - no burn for them since they were buried in grass all day, but they did turn a lovely shade of green. Olivia said I had alien feet, and that that's what I get for doing yard work in flip flops. Smart kid.
Olivia and I also had the annual mother/daughter activity at the church in the afternoon, which was fun - lots of good food, I got to chat with other moms, and Olivia got to make a cute bird feeder. It's a tea cup and saucer on top of a pvc pole; she got to choose her own cup and saucer and the poles were painted - she chose a purple one. We put it in the planter outside the living room window but we might need to move it because it almost gave me a heart attack last night - when it's dark outside it looks like someone standing at the window. *shudder* Anyway, after the activity, it was back into my grubby jeans and more yard work.
After all of that, a certain handsome fella and his kids came over and we had pizza and lit sparklers in the backyard. Then the kids had the season's first game of grey wolf, which they heartily enjoyed. All things considered, an excellent day.
School will be out soon! We're all excited. I'll have a week off (which is nice for time, but bad for the bank account *sigh*) before summer school starts. I'll only be working part time during the summer, but as far as I know I'll actually be teaching, not interning. I should know soon :) I still like my job, yay!
Mmmmm I have banana bread in the oven and it smells gooood.
Everyone is healthy at the moment, which is nice and I hope it lasts. A few of us have had strep over the past few weeks, and when I had it it triggered a secondary thing that caused a huge infectious plague in my mouth. I'm making it sound gross - that's because it was. The penicillin shot was insufficient and I had to go back and get a stronger antibiotic. I lost 2 & 1/2 days of work :/ Meh. But it's all behind us now and I'm hoping we all STAY well for the next little while at least. No more missing work!
Okie doke, I must go start dinner. We were up late and need an early bedtime tonight. Or at least an on-time one.
Okay this post really isn't about iced lemon cookies, or the Devil, it's about my life. Or, rather, the parts of my life that I can actually blog about, which will not nearly cover everything but WILL tell you what I ate too many of after dinner tonight. And before dinner tonight. And during dinner tonight. Yes. Iced lemon cookies.
Moving on. Work is going great! First let me qualify that by saying that it's been difficult on everyone on many levels, and we're all still adjusting. That being said, I really do love my job. For those who don't know or have forgotten, I'm a teacher intern at Challenger private school (3rd week now) and now that I know what that entails, I'll share. I sort of bounce around all day doing lots of different things, which bouncing I actually like quite a bit. I help in the "extended" classes - the before and after school care; in the morning I help in the elementary extended (where I get to hang out with J, cool) and after school I hang in the preschool extended. After morning extended I go outside to help with unloading - the parents drive up and we physically go to the car and get the kids out and walk them to the door.
With unloading done, school has started and I go help/observe in one of the morning preschool classes - I'm getting to know all of the kids and they're always happy to see me, since I'm still kind of a novelty - and stay there till we load those kids in their carpools. Then I'm off to help with elementary lunch and recess (where I see J again). On Tuesdays and Thursdays I help clean up after the last lunch group, because the teacher who normally does it is in a classroom those days. After my lunch break I'm back to the classroom, then loading at the end of the day and then on to the after school extended. I like doing the elementary lunch, recess and loading/unloading because it helps me get to know the elementary kids, too. Loading and unloading is a good way to get to know the kids' names because the parents have the names on a visor card and you have to match the kid to the car. And of course you must get it right, because packing a kid into the wrong car is a big no-no (and no, that's not the voice of experience, I'm speaking hypothetically).
I LOVE being in a preschool class all day. I get to sing and dance and pretend to be a fairy/giant/little pig/big bad wolf/raindrop/bumblebee/whatever I want. I get to play hide-and-seek at recess and have tea parties in the pretend train (cuz I'm the only teacher that will do those things), and of course warp young minds all day. Oh, wait, not that last thing. And of course it's also nice to expand my circle of friends - the people I work with are all pretty great, not a stinker in the lot. I'm closer to some than others, naturally, but there isn't anyone I see coming down the hall and go, "ugh, time to hide in the bathroom," or anything. That's a big bonus.
My favorite song and dance to do with the kids is The Freeze. It's a fun tune (not obnoxious) and you get to dance around any way you want until the music stops and you freeze. Then it starts again and you dance more. We tell the kids different ways to freeze, like "freeze with a scary face this time!" or, "freeze like your favorite animal," which requires Miss Heather to get down on the floor because my favorite animal is a tiger. My other favorite is a song by The Wiggles that goes, "We're gonna shake, shake, shake our sillies out," and it's miles of fun. You also nod your naughties out, clap your crazies out, jump your jiggles out, stretch, yawn, stretch and yawn again, and wibble your wobbles away. Would it surprise you to learn that I am the dance'n'est teacher at that whole durn school? I LOVE to dance with the kids! I was ballin' the jack at recess the other day, all by myself, just because I felt like doing it.
So that's work.
F and J get to come to school with me, and they both seem to really love it there. F is doing so great in his class, catching up fast to the kids who've been there all year, and J is excelling in everything. His previous school didn't focus on penmanship as Challenger does, so his writing is not as tidy as his classmates' but he's getting better. It's nice being able to keep up with their teachers in the hallway and on the playground! :D
I get to go to California soon! YAY!
Okay, I just noticed what time it is so that's it for tonight.
(I'm cheating. This entry is almost entirely copied-and-pasted from a note on my Facebook page. But not everyone who reads my blog is on FB so I'm posting it here, too :) 'Cuz it's awesome!! )
I got a job!! First I'll tell you what it is and then I'll tell you The Story Of Getting The Job. I've been hired by Challenger private school as a Teacher Intern - in prep for being an actual teacher there at some point, I'll be "learning the Challenger way," going into the different classrooms to observe and learn from the teachers, and apparently watching training videos with a host who, from the snippet I saw, is the human equivalent of a bi-polar Barney on a frenetically cheerful day.
!TANGENT WARNING! I can't even begin to describe the overpowering happiness and wide-eyed wonder of this woman at the slightest thing. *gasp!* "The letter A! Can there be anything more wonderful?!" *doe eyes* *GASP AGAIN!* "Oh, MY! Just look! The letter B!!" *laughing and dancing and rainbows and big happy smiles* "I'm so thrilled by the letter B I think we'd better move on to the letter O!" Okay, that was too much. She never said that. But she sounded like she wanted to.
So, anyway. Interning and training videos, right. I got sidetracked. But I did warn you.
Provided I can work out the child care in time, I'll start Monday. It's full time, and the pay is better than I could have hoped to get from any job, considering my lack of formal education and experience. This job is such a huge blessing!! AND, to add to the blessing pile, there are awesome tuition discounts. Felix can come in with me and be in the all-day preschool for.....ready?.......FREE. I can get Joshua in the all-day Kindergarten for half price, I'm still trying to figure out if I can swing that, but the monthly cost of his tuition at an EXCELLENT private school (which I would have said even before I worked there) will, I think, work out to less than the cost of having him in daycare in the morning, esp. since I'd have to find one that would take him to school in the afternoon. I would still have to scrounge up money for (deeply discounted) registration fees, but it's definitely do-able. Still many details to be worked out. But Zackary would be the only one in daycare. My poor baby. I was holding him yesterday and realized how much his little life is about to change, and not for the better :(
BUT I'm trying to focus on the positive here. Single moms must work, and this job is a tremendous blessing, and it's incredible how it all came together.
So, a few weeks ago I heard about this job (thanks again Doug) and....okay, wait, back up. If anyone read my last blog post you'll recall me saying something like, "I'm not going to work, I'm going to go to school." Apparently, I got basically the right impression, just a slightly incorrect translation as to what "going to school" meant, lol. I had that great feeling to wait on getting a job and try to figure out school - but then nothing! I thought, okay, Lord, what next? Then I heard about this job and it was like a giant arrow in my head pointing at a sign that said, "THIS IS NEXT. YOU'RE WELCOME." It has felt really right, from the start, even though I was hesitant about teaching and even said I didn't think I could ever do it. The main reason given for that was not being sure I could handle other people's kids - the real reason is actually the politics of the whole education system, my feeling about which I will not expound upon in the interest of not offending people I love. However, with Challenger, that's not an issue. Their entire political and educational culture is right in line with own views, so it's a great fit.
To apply for Challenger, you email a resume, a cover letter, and "a brief essay discussing your view of America," and then wait. Let me tell you - for someone with strong opinions who loves to write, a "brief" essay is a challenge. Also, deciding which aspect of America to write about was tough. This essay plagued my brain for over a week! I finally opted for the topic of liberty as related to education, typed three paragraphs, proofed it a few times and then closed it and left it alone. It ended too quickly, but other than that is was okay. For my resume, I just detailed some of the things I've learned and traits I've developed being a mom, and homeschooling for two years, that I felt were relevant to the job (conflict resolution, teaching my kids to read with phonics....rosy cheeks, no warts, play games (all sorts).....that kind of thing).
So I finally got that sent off and waited. Almost two weeks later I was vacillating between, "hey I should call and check on that application" and "I KNEW IT! MY ESSAY SUCKED! THEY PROBABLY POSTED IT ON A CORK BOARD SOMEWHERE SO THEY COULD ALL LAUGH AT IT AND TAKE TURNS QUOTING IT IN FUNNY VOICES!!!" Then I got a phone call requesting I come in and take some tests. This Monday I went in to the corporate office in Sandy (thanks for watching the kids, Stef!) - there was an opinion survey and a timed aptitude test, mostly with a lot of logic and problem-solving, but also with some math - I skipped most of those :p It was timed! Then I filled out an application, and THEN I was asked to stay for an interview.
I spoke with a very nice gent named Hugh and we had a great conversation. He then told me that he wanted me to go on to the next interview! He explained it was a "teaching interview" and I would prepare a 10-15 minute lesson/presentation for a class of preschoolers (3 year olds) and they would observe. I thought it was interesting, he said, "we'll be watching the kids, not you," to see if I kept their attention, how they responded to me, etc. I did that interview yesterday, at the location that actually hired me, in Farmington. It was SO MUCH FUN! I got nervous for a few minutes before I left home, but other than that I felt really confident and excited. First I had a little interview with the Director, Heidi. Then we went to the classroom and I read a book I brought from home, 5 Little Ducks, and had 5 yellow mega blocks because I don't have 5 toy ducks, but the kids did great at pretending they were ducks, and they liked taking turns taking the "ducks" out of the line when the swam away in the story, and putting them back when all the ducks came swimming back. They also seemed to like quacking with me. After the story I taught them the ASL signs for "duck," "mom," and "little," and we sang the 5 Little Ducks song, doing the signs. Then one boy asked me the sign for "grandpa," so I taught them the signs for "dad," "grandma" and "grandpa," too, just for fun. Then I was done! It was a lot of fun, and the kids were really good - they gave me 4-year-olds instead of 3-year-olds, because Heidi said that the 3-year-olds were being naughty :D
Long story (slightly) short(er), Heidi said it went great and she loved my presentation to the kids, and she told me that I had really impressed Hugh (who she said was "a tough nut to crack," but I cracked him), and after all of it, she was ready to offer me the job! Woot! We talked details for awhile, and I'm going back in on Friday to do paperwork and hopefully get Felix enrolled in the preschool, though I'm going to have to come up with his fees and get a doctor to sign a paper that says he's healthy and all. With Randy not paying the child support this week, I don't know how I'm going to accomplish that but somehow it will all work out! :)
So that's the story - with many details left out of course, but good enough - of how I got this divine blessing. I'm disappointed, of course, that my life worked out in such a way that I have to leave my kids and work - but I recognize the Lord's hand in all of this and I'm so thankful for His helping me to make the very best of our situation, and for leading me to such a perfect job - so many things just fell into place, it would be impossible to chalk it up to luck! And of course I'm excited and gratified to be moving forward in one more way since the divorce. And I'm very thankful for friends who have helped, and do help, and who pray faithfully for me and the kids :D
UPDATE: This part isn't copied and pasted, this is me adding in real time to my real blog. Woo! So, Randy decided not to pay the child support this week, so I didn't go in to fill out the paperwork and stuff because I want to be able to register the boys so that they can come in with me my first day of work. Plus I have to buy Joshua at least one uniform and pre-pay Zackary's daycare for at least the first week. So I rescheduled for Monday and I'm hoping to mooch - I mean, borrow - some moolah from my grandparents. I'll be calling over there when I'm done with this. If I can borrow that I'll go out to South Jordan and pick it up, and I'll be able to pay the fees and stuff on Monday, then hopefully start all of this new stuff on Tuesday.
So, that's all of that! ♥
It's Wednesday. That's fairly irrelevant to my post, but there it is.
Many things are happening at the moment, a lot of which I can't blog about, which is frustrating. But the biggest thing on my mind right now is school. Not for the kids - be advised that beyond my saying the kids are doing mostly fine, this will be an entirely selfish post - I will spend the whole time rambling about myself.
I have finally decided to go to school. For several years I've had a vague desire to go to school, but it never happened, for several reasons. One of them was that I just never had the drive to make it happen. Rather, I didn't possess the confidence. Or the....well whatever. Obviously I haven't hit on the right word - whatever it was, I didn't have it. Chutzpa, perhaps.
I also lacked support, but that statement is where that line of explanation ends.
So, the first decision is made. I will go. Now, what to go for? Generally, people begin with a desire to be something or do something, but that hasn't solidified for me. I think this is because going to school in order to be something or do something seems counterproductive to me, because it will be taking me away from the only thing I actually want to be or do, which is what I'm already doing - full-time mom. Also, I don't want to force some kind of artificial aim to my learning, I just want to know things I don't already know. That's been my only reason for wanting to go to school again - I just want to know things. But now I don't have the option of just randomly taking classes to learn things I want to know, my schooling now has to "go somewhere." And frankly, I kind of resent it.
So now I'm trying to decide What I Want To Be. I have far too many interests, making very difficult so far to nail something down. I suppose I should consider what I can make a decent living doing, in order to be a financial support my kids, but again, I resent having to attach those mercenary conditions to learning. I just wanna know stuff, darnit! I don't want to have to use future income as a consideration in determining the "value" of my education. I suppose I should have thought of those things before mercenary considerations became necessary; of course, in fairness to me, that wasn't actually possible because this isn't the way I saw my life turning out. So that's a pointless argument.
Sorry this is such a rambling post. You're getting a glimpse into my brain. It's not very organized in here.
So naturally I've been evaluating my interests. I'm not really interested in the things that people seem to suggest to single moms needing schooling and income - dental assisting, teaching, hair styling, etc. And don't even talk to me about selling something. My biggest academic interest, history, is no help at all. At my age and in my situation, trying to make a living with a degree in history doesn't make sense. No lectures, now, I'm not saying I'm old, simply that I'm not a freshman right outta high school anymore.
My last three actual paragraphs have begun with the word, "so." Hm.
I wish that knowing what I don't want to do would lead naturally to a conclusion about what I do want to do. I want to be a mechanic. I want to write. I want to go into forestry. I want to go to art school. I want to take pictures. I want to be a physical therapist. I want to build. I want to wear black and work behind the scenes in a theatre. I want to run a preserve to protect magical creatures. Okay, not really, but I'm reading Fablehaven right now. I'm also reading a history of pirates. "Maybe Margaret is right - piracy is our only option." Maybe I should be an editor so I could read for a living.
Knowing me, if you could pick any career for me, what would it be? How does one choose? I mean, I chose my career a long time ago; after I stopped watching Voyage of the Mimi and gave up on being a marine biologist, I decided to be a mom. People told me I was settling, that there was so much more to be in life...I don't agree. I think it's the finest thing there is to be and it's still the only job I want. Whine, whine, whine. Suck it up, Buttercup! So it didn't turn out the way it should have, tough beans. Time to deal with real.
Sorry you had to hear that, sometimes I have to take a firm hand with myself.
Okay. Setting aside the whole mom business. If I had chosen a different career early in life, I either would have gone into the theatre or to culinary school. A lot of people suggested teaching, but I don't think anyone should "fall back" on teaching, or do it just to have something to do. Teaching is dang hard and I think only people who really want to do it should be doing it. I do not really want to do it. Since the separation, lots of people have suggested day care as a fairly easy money maker, but I have the same objection to doing that.
This has got to be the most pointless post ever.
Post a comment and tell me what to do with my life.
Edit: Since posting this I've thought more about teaching. It's not that I wouldn't want to do it, it's the current education system I'm not interested in. Hmmm...
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